Splatoon 3’s best new feature is a shoe store run by a hairy lobster crab


Mr. Coco is a lobster crab thing, stood in a shoe store selling fake shoes.

Screenshot: Nintendo / Kotaku

You don’t have to be a Splatoon aficionado of being able to recognize the good. Mr. Coco, a huge crab who wears a wife beater and runs a shoe store, is pure goodness. It’s just plain good. The store is called Crush Station, and it doesn’t make sense on any level. Perfection.

In today’s surprisingly bleak Splaton 3 Direct, where they were able to take a moment to describe the shades of gray appearing in the game lobby, we suddenly sat down and noticed the appearance of Mr. Coco.

nintendo

“Get a variety of cool kicks here,” says the voiceover paid to be enthusiastic, “from sneakers to sandals, and same leather shoes. I love this “same”! Like, wow, somehow they managed to program into this most difficult and elusive texture! She then adds: “It belongs to Mr. Coco. It may seem intimidating, but…”

Wait, stop! See intimidating?! He looks like the friendliest stack of bad renders circles you might expect to encounter. I really have kabourophobia (I just looked up the name) – I I can’t look directly at a crab without my whole body wanting to tear apart on an atomic level – and I want to give this guy a hug. Intimidating, it is not.

Why aren’t we on good terms with this… well, we call it a crab. He has crab claws and wears a t-shirt with a crab on it, but alive, it’s not a crab’s face. He seems to have a proboscis? And apparently only four members, two of which are tiny legs. Hairy chest is a whole different matter. I think maybe it’s more lobster than crab? Listen, I’m not a crustologist. I just had to google image search lobsters to see if they had such protuberances, which they do, but now my insides are made of worms writhing in anger and danger.

The shoes he sells will apparently give you in-game perks, like increased running speed or ink resistance. Although you must then unlock said abilities by carrying the item into battles. That’s not really how shoes work, unless you think of it as “wearing them.” What I’m saying is that you have to walk around Mr. Coco’s emporium a few times before you buy them.

Mr Coco, you are Splaton 3evasion function of, despite close competition with that stupid manta ray, Big Man.


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