Activision-Blizzard Announces New Tool to Allow Players to Measure Character Skulls

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision-Blizzard has announced a new tool for their video games that will allow players to measure their characters’ skulls, according to a new blog post.

“We are extremely committed to bringing diversity into our games, and we know that people of all different races and ethnicities are special for all sorts of reasons. That’s why we’re excited about our new skull measurement feature that will allow players to self-assess each character’s race-based stats,” reads the Activision-Blizzard blog post about the innovative new tool. “We want players to be able to see themselves in these characters instead of the same group of white annoying – because, as we all know, being white gives them specific abilities and attributes that are biologically inherent to them. Right? Man, it’s so good to be the good guys for once. Activision-Blizzard raises the eyes !”

According to the company, this is just the first in a series of upcoming developments for all Activision-Blizzard games.

“And we’re 100% sure we know what you’re thinking: this skull measurement tool doesn’t go far enough to add diversity to the game. You’re right,” the blog continues. “That’s why we’re also excited to announce that we’re going to be adding tools that allow players to assess all sorts of diversity attributes of our players. You’re going to be able to push characters to the ground to see how well they are capable, you’re going to be able to call a carnival guy to determine the weight of the characters, and you’re going to be able to force the characters to sit weirdly in a chair to determine if they’re bisexual. I read this last one on Tumblr. Who knew there were so many interesting diversity statistics?

As of press time, Activision-Blizzard revealed that the new tool was created by a mustachioed new developer named Lobby Brotick.

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